When conflict arises in marriage, it’s easy to fall into a win/lose mindset. But the truth is, when one partner “wins” at the expense of the other, the relationship loses. Healthy relationships thrive not on control, but on collaboration. What if, instead of Win vs. Lose, we adopted a mindset of Win + Win?
Here are 7 intentional practices for navigating marital conflict in a way that fosters connection, not competition:
1. Communicate Expectations—Don’t Expect Mind Reading
Unspoken expectations often feel like unmet needs—but if they’re not shared, they’re not fair. Speak openly about what you need rather than hoping your partner picks up on clues.
- Clear expectations create shared understanding.
- Use dialogue, not monologue—speak with your spouse, not at them.
- Be honest, direct, and kind.
“I feel supported when…” is more helpful than, “You never…”
2. Clarify, Don’t Assume
Our assumptions are shaped by past experiences—not always by current reality. Before reacting, pause and ask: “Did I hear that right?”
- Our body language, tone, and facial expressions carry more meaning than our words alone.
- Repeating what you heard shows care and creates clarity.
- Check in by saying, “What I hear you saying is…”
Listening is not just waiting to talk—it’s making sure you understand.
3. Seek to Understand Before Solving
It’s tempting to rush to fix a disagreement, but true resolution begins with empathy. Let your partner fully share before jumping into solutions.
- Understanding does not mean agreement.
- Pause your own agenda to hear their heart.
- Ask yourself: Is this a matter of principle or preference?
- Look for shared ground, and build from there.
The goal isn’t to “win” the argument—it’s to win together as a team.
4. Address the Issue, Not Each Other
When emotions run high, it’s easy to personalize the problem. But the issue is the issue—your partner is not your enemy.
- Focus on the topic, not on character attacks.
- Watch out for defensiveness or blame-shifting.
- Speak from your perspective, not your partner’s flaws.
“I feel overwhelmed when…” works better than “You always…”
5. Take Breaks When Needed—With a Plan to Return
If a conversation becomes too intense, it’s okay to pause. The key is to agree on when you’ll revisit it.
- Taking space can prevent saying something you regret.
- Be clear: “I need 20 minutes to cool off, then I’ll come back ready to talk.”
- Notice if other factors are at play (fatigue, hunger, stress).
Timeouts aren’t avoidance—they’re emotional regulation.
6. Choose the Right Setting for Tough Conversations
Timing and location matter. Avoid discussing serious topics in confined spaces (like a car) or in the heat of the moment.
- Choose a neutral, comfortable space where both people feel safe.
- Set aside uninterrupted time to talk intentionally.
- Avoid starting conflict when someone is already stressed or distracted.
Safe settings create safe conversations.
7. Own Your Role and Practice Accountability
Healthy relationships require responsibility—not finger-pointing. Focus on your own growth instead of keeping score.
- Avoid deflecting with, “Well what about you?”
- Model humility and self-awareness.
- Ask: “How can I take responsibility for my part?”
Accountability is a gift you give to your relationship—not a punishment.
Final Thoughts:
Conflict is inevitable in marriage—but it doesn’t have to divide. With patience, humility, and emotional maturity, it can become a path toward deeper intimacy and mutual respect. At Barksdale Missions, we support couples in building relationships where both partners thrive—together.
References
American Psychological Association. (2017). The road to resilience. https://www.apa.org/topics/resilience
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert (2nd ed.). Harmony Books.
Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for your marriage: A deluxe revised edition of the classic best-seller for enhancing marriage and preventing divorce. Jossey-Bass.
Tatkin, S. (2012). Wired for love: How understanding your partner’s brain and attachment style can help you defuse conflict and build a secure relationship. New Harbinger Publications.
