Parenting a teen with a history of trauma, adoption, or disrupted attachment can feel overwhelming. You may find yourself wondering why your child seems distant, emotionless, or quick to defy rules. At Barksdale Missions, we hear this concern often — and we want you to know there are deeper reasons for these behaviors.
If your teen struggles with connection, pushes you away, or reacts with anger when you try to help, you are not alone. Understanding why these patterns happen is the first step toward building trust, improving communication, and supporting healing.
Why a Teen Might Seem “Emotionless”
Teens who have experienced early disruptions — such as changes in caregivers, inconsistent care, or prenatal exposure to stress — often learn to protect themselves by shutting down emotions.
This isn’t a lack of caring; it’s a survival strategy developed early in life (Perry & Szalavitz, 2017).
- Emotional Numbing = Protection: Sharing feelings may feel unsafe or pointless.
- Control = Safety: Keeping relationships at arm’s length helps them feel in control.
Why Defiance Happens
Defiance is not always about “rebellion” or “bad behavior.” For trauma-impacted teens, it can be a way to:
- Claim independence
- Avoid feeling controlled or vulnerable
- Protect themselves from situations where they might fail
- Express frustration without having the words
These behaviors often made sense for survival in earlier environments — but in a safe, stable home, they can create misunderstanding and conflict (Bath, 2008).
Practical Ways to Support a Teen with a Trauma History
1. Stay Predictable
Consistency builds trust. Keep rules, routines, and consequences steady, and give advance notice when changes are coming (Child Welfare Information Gateway, 2015).
2. Pick Battles Wisely
Focus on safety, respect, and essential responsibilities. Let smaller issues go when they don’t matter in the long run.
3. Connection Before Correction
Begin conversations with curiosity instead of accusation:
“I noticed you’ve been spending more time alone — is something going on?”
Curiosity helps lower defenses and invites honest dialogue (Hughes, 2017).
4. Build Skills, Not Just Rules
Many trauma-impacted teens haven’t fully developed life skills like hygiene, organization, or problem-solving. Teach these step-by-step and celebrate progress (Purvis et al., 2013).
5. Acknowledge Their Perspective
You don’t have to agree to let them know you’ve heard them:
“I get that you see it differently. Here’s why I think this matters.”
Simple Communication Tools That Work
- Highs & Lows Check-In: Each person shares one positive and one challenging part of their day or week.
- Side-by-Side Time: Walking the dog, cooking, or working on a project together can spark natural conversation without pressure.
- Written Notes or Texts: Some teens open up more through writing than face-to-face conversation.
When Behavior Escalates
Stay calm and steady — your reaction teaches your teen how to handle stress (Bath, 2008). Offer choices when possible, and if safety is a concern, step away and seek help.
Recommended Books for Parents
- The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis, David Cross, & Wendy Lyons Sunshine — Practical tools for parents of children from hard places.
- The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson — Strategies to help children integrate emotions and thinking.
- What Happened to You? by Bruce D. Perry & Oprah Winfrey — A compassionate look at how trauma shapes the brain and relationships.
Recommended Websites
- Child Welfare Information Gateway – Parenting After Trauma
- Attachment & Trauma Network
- National Child Traumatic Stress Network
The Bottom Line for Caregivers
Your consistency, patience, and presence are powerful. Healing from early trauma is a slow process, and progress might look different than you expect. Every time you respond with steadiness and care, you’re helping build the foundation for your teen’s future relationships and self-worth.
At Barksdale Missions, we specialize in supporting families navigating the challenges of trauma, adoption, and complex behavioral needs. If you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure how to connect with your teen, we’re here to help.
References
Bath, H. (2008). The three pillars of trauma-informed care. Reclaiming Children and Youth, 17(3), 17–21.
Child Welfare Information Gateway. (2015). Parenting a child who has experienced trauma. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Children’s Bureau. https://www.childwelfare.gov
Hughes, D. A. (2017). Building the bonds of attachment: Awakening love in deeply troubled children (3rd ed.). Rowman & Littlefield.
Perry, B. D., & Szalavitz, M. (2017). The boy who was raised as a dog: And other stories from a child psychiatrist’s notebook (2nd ed.). Basic Books.
Purvis, K. B., Cross, D. R., & Sunshine, W. L. (2013). The connected child: Bring hope and healing to your adoptive family. McGraw-Hill Education.
